woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
