The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
