Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
