The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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