Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
did i walk over a car last night?
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
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