Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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