my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
