we have pet lesbian snakes
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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