Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Im part way to drunk.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
