Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
