I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
