So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
