Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
