I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
