She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
