I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
You did what with his pubic hair?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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