I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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