life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
