I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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