Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
