You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
