I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
