Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
