allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
