I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
