I like my sex mixed with concussions.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
