I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
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