i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Randomize
