My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
