Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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