just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Randomize