Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
