Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
