Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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