Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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