her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
