I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
