Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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