i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
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Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
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Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
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