If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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