I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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