Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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