The maid of honor just puked.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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