I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
He felt like a one man threesome
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
