good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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