i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Randomize
