just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Randomize
