She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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