im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
