From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
