it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
