Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Randomize
