Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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