I wish I could punch you in the face.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
