God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
