oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Randomize
