Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
