He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
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I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
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The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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