wat bout pragnant strippers??
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
